Note: [xyz] and XY and other abbreviations protect identity.

 

I’ve been rejected by FT (the Cult of TT).  A lonely bunch of celibate old men have decided I don’t fit in.  Fuck ’em.

No, but seriously, I’m hard heartbroken, traumatized, scared, and angry.  Here’s my experience.

Event Log

2018-09-08 Saturday – J’s House – Pool Party – My first time at J’s house (not an FT event).

2018-09-12 Wednesday – J’s House – My 1st event with FT Group 2.

2018-09-19 Wednesday – My 2nd event.

2018-09-26 Wednesday – My 3rd event.  New members are confirmed/denied after 3rd event.  I was confirmed.

2019-10-03 Wednesday – My 4th event.

2019-10-10 Wednesday – My 5th event.

2019-10-14 Sunday – I talk to TT (briefly after DT, not an FT event). I let him know that I’m feeling uncomfortable being pressured into $120/hour therapy sessions with him as though my group status depends on it.

2019-10-17 Wednesday – My 6th event.

2019-10-22 Monday 10pm – I send the following e-mail to FT Group 2 members (not including TT):

I’ve been feeling some discomfort with my lack of clarity regarding my group status and what’s expected of me regarding sessions with [TT]. If possible, I’d like to know:
– Am I officially in the group yet?
– Is there a requirement that I pay for sessions with [TT] in order to be eligible for this group?

4am (6 hours later, fast), from DL, the guy that’s been out of town the last few weeks:

From my understanding before I left was that yes we all agreed to have you in the group. Each man who is in this group has done one on one work with TT. Our request for you to do a couple sessions with TT came from the last meeting I was at. I spoke of XYZ experiences that I had previously had. You had said you never had any experience or relationship with type of work/experience. Embodied presence is one of the core principle of the group which for me ties hand in hand with XYZ. Through working with TT we are hoping you get an understanding of that type of work and language around that so we can all be on the same page of understanding and communicating. Please guys chime in if I missed something or if there any discrepancy with what I said.

6am (2 hours later), from PS, the guy who’s given away all his money and lives penniless on TT’s property:

Are you available this evening 6pm at Whole Foods?

No, I’m not.

[Me] are you available to meet this afternoon 1pm in Goleta for lunch?

I’d really like to see you in person.  It’s important & time sensitive.

If your unavailable to meet in person, let’s please talk on the phone later today.

1pm (7 hours later) with PS, my notes:

• The “doors are open” but I’m not longer allowed to attend.
  • Wtf?
• They want me to feel like I am able to speak the same language.
  • They want me to do [xyz] Therapy.
    • It “doesn’t have to be with TT”.
      • This feels like b.s.; TT is the only “[xyz] therapist” I’ve ever heard of.
        • I just looked it up and it’s listen among the skillsets of many (local) therapists, so, chalk this up to ignorance?
• They don’t know what to do with my anger.
  • When did I display my anger besides when they asked me excitedly to embody/express myself and cheer me on through it and applaud me for it?  Wtf?
  • Catch-22.  I’m devastated.  I feel betrayed.  I’m now justifiably angry.  If I express myself, I’m case-in-point guilty-as-charged.  If I don’t, I’m peacefully walking.

Aftermath

I was enraged all day.

I reached out to my ex M.  That helped.

Gym has helped.

I’m terrified, mostly socially, shame?  Conspiracy?  Related, I’ve avoided my beloved DT which is not healthy.  Also HHH, which I haven’t been attending anyway.  It sickens me that these men are among my recently safe beautiful loving community, and that they outnumber me.

I’ve taken to other escapes which I’m not proud of.

Being without the men’s group decreases my level, my path, and resultingly, my health.

Lessons Learned

The biggest lesson learned is related to my anger.  It’s (supposedly) still causing problems in my most important relationships – P, M, my Mom and sister, and now FT.

I still don’t know what to do with my anger.  I thought a healthy relationship with B or M would help me overcome.  I thought for sure FT would support me and that anger was already a thing of my past, not part of my new world and not triggered by my conscious community.

To Be Continued…

I’m seeing TT tomorrow (2018-10-31 5:30pm), for the first time, one on one, for a session, first one free.